Dads vs Doulas
Dads vs Doulas - why have a doula if you already have a supportive birth partner? When a dad doesn’t want to have his role at the birth usurped.
What is the point of a doula, when dad is already a supportive partner and wants to be fully part of the birth process? Won’t a doula usurp his position, or even interrupt their private experience?
I am fully happiest when I’ve succeeded in teaching the dad or primary birth partner my full bag of doula tools, and taught them exactly how to do a hip squeeze at the same time as moving with the birthing mother’s birth dance, moaning along with her. Then I can move worlessly in with a straw to drink and stay hydrated, and go back to taking notes for her birth story.
Or, when I’ve pointed out where the pressure points in her pelvis are to relieve back pain, how to use acupressure on her hands and feet to increase the strength of surges or relieve pain, and then I can stand back and take some keepsake pictures, moving furniture and props to where she can comfortably move between positions.
Lower back pelvic pressure points during labour
I can quietly point out what I sense she needs next, and make sure that they’ve both eaten and are keeping their strength up, and dim the lights. If dad needs to step out to make a call or grab some food, or sleep, he can do so while knowing the labouring mother is fully cared for. And while staff continuously changes shift a few times a day during a hospital birth, I stay consistent, able to explain medical options in an understandable terms if needed and help a couple feel like they have thoroughly thought their options through and made the choice with which they’re feeling happy.
Importantly, if things change quickly in an emergency situation, dads are often left on their own without understanding fully what’s happening in the operating theatre or what they can expect next, or what they should do. This can be very scary, and is the source of trauma for a lot of dads, and I really hate that. In these situations, I can explain and support, and remind them of the ways they can help, or what their partner had chosen ahead of time in the birth plan just in case. No one in a hospital has the job of caring for primary birth partners during stress - but I do.
It should be clear, I’m not here to replace dads, but to enable them to be the best birth partner and as fully present at the birth as they possibly can be.
Fear Increases Pain
Fear causes tension and anxiety, and tensing up in fear fights against the processes of birth. Here is a list of ways to proactively turn away from fear and embrace the birth process
Society tells us how everything can go wrong, and all about the trauma of childbirth. Every pregnant woman knows the look on someone’s face when they’re about to launch into yet another horror story. However, I’ve found that quite a lot of the trauma stems from the physiological response of the body tightening up to fight and protect itself from perceived threat, be it a scary hospital environment, a dismissive doctor, a technique or event occurring at the birth that isn’t explained, and even a feeling that birth is happening to the mother, or feels out of control.
Something as minor as bright lights making a mother feel exposed, or the discomfort of not knowing what is normal behavior or not, can make a mother’s body tighten and fight the process.
The uterus is a large muscle that is working very hard, and the added pressure of a mother’s tense body can physically add to that pain.
Not only that, but the hormones that facilitate birth are produced in the brain. Oxytocin is a powerful hormone the synthetic form of which is used to induce contractions in labor (pitocin). Natural oxytocin is produced when we feel loved, safe, in the quiet and the dark. It’s the love hormone, and one that helps us go to sleep every night. When we’re afraid, we produce adrenaline which is the antithesis of oxytocin - they don’t coexist comfortably. It’s widely known that animals in the wild have been known to stop birthing, in order to run away and continue to birth when they feel safe! Ina May Gaskin, the only midwife with an obstetric medical maneuver named after her (the rest are all named after men!) writes “I was fascinated to learn that most doctors once knew that an unwelcome or upsetting presence could stall labor…. but that pool of home-birth knowledge has dried up, becoming rare or even extinct.” *
If our birth environment is fighting against our body’s natural birthing process, of course we’ll feel more pain!
Eliminating fear lessens pain.
Consider Hypnobirthing. I always feel the term Hypnobirthing is a misnomer: the techniques taught aren’t about being hypnotised, what it actually is, is a method to teach yourself to relax on command. Hypnobirthing is used to practice relaxation according to audio or tactile cues, so that you can tap into that relaxation and quickly and easily soften your muscles. Softening those muscles physically allows your uterus to do its work without squeezing it or fighting the process.
Use Comfort Techniques. One of the first things I did as a doula was to compile a list of physical comfort tools, from massage and acupressure, to position changes, thoughts to visualise and focus on, and numerous other techniques to reduce pain and distract a mother’s mind from focusing on pain. When one technique is no longer working, there are many more to choose from next, thus breaking up the time into smaller chunks.
Carefully choose your birth support team. Choose people who will help you feel cared for and safe. If someone is making a mother feel tense, she needs to feel free to tell that person to take a step away. Never feel pressured to allow someone to be in the room if you will want to feel the need to behave a certain way or protect yourself from them. The birthing room is not a place for tension.
Foster those natural oxytocin painkilling hormones. Oxytocin is the hormone of love, one that is given off when we feel safe to sleep at night. Change the lighting, bring comfort items, speak words of love and kindness to foster that sense of connection and safety. One of my favourite oxytocin boosting methods is when the baby’s father storytells between contractions - remembering the day they met, future dreams for the baby, little quirks they hope their child inherits from their mother - all these little bonding stories help release oxytocin and the birthing mother finds she looks forward to the next contraction because it will bring another tale of connection and love.
Try a TENS machine. While I initially was repelled by the idea of using a machine with wires at my first birth, I didn’t understand that the TENS is an empowering tool - the physical act of pressing the button puts you in control. The buzzing sensation sends a request for oxytocin to your brain, which is your own natural pain relief drug. The distracting feeling also interrupts the messages to the brain sensing pain, giving it something else to sense and think about, exactly the same way water does, which is why taking a shower can also provide powerful pain relief.
Do whatever you can to choose an environment that will lessen your fear. Do hospitals make you feel stressed and afraid? Then maybe a homebirth is for you. Does the idea of a homebirth make you feel panicky? Then the hospital may be the place where you feel the safest to let go and give birth! Do your research on the hospital and choose one where their reputation for being a mother-baby friendly hospital is good, where the midwives speak well of how they are treated, and where their cesarean section rates are low. Wherever you give birth, adjust lighting to be soft and private, and bring your own pillow or blanket for comfort. If smells and sounds are important to you, consider using aromatherapy or bringing your own music according to your mood. Use earplugs and even an eye mask to muffle the hospital sounds and allow yourself to dive deep into your own world.
The power of touch
Lower lumbar massage and acupressure can relieve pain and reassure. Choose to surround yourself with people who will comfort and support you during labour.
These practical ways to keep you feeling connected to your body and reduce the experience of pain. That said, I am not shaming anyone for the pain they feel in childbirth, nor am I claiming that these techniques offer a pain-free birth, only that fear compounds the intensity of pain. Let me remind you right now that there is no shame in choosing pain medication if that is the right tool for you! There are many variables and no birth is the same, and as your doula I help you negotiate that journey and figure out where you are in the birth process, and support you in finding that path to a safe, joyful birth-day of your child.
Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin, 2003 Bantam Books